Dominic Johannesburg Allen was born the son of a father on the second of November 1764, 18 days before the death of Christian Goldbach the Prussian mathematician, and in the same year that John Wilkes was expelled from the House of Commons for seditious libel. This was later deemed to be chronologically inaccurate and so I was returned to the womb of the aforementioned father and waited until 1986 to enjoy my birth. 1986, ah, now that was a year to remember - December 28th, Andrei Tarkovsky, Russian film director passes away, followed the very next day by Harold Macmillan, British statesman and suspected necrophiliac (and let's face it that would explain everything), and, of course, who can forget that Wole Soyinka won the Nobel prize for literature that year, oh yes! Unforgettable.

Profile of a Cheated Playwright

Born - 02/11/1986

Where? Stafford General

From what? Mammalian, presumed human.

Likes - to hear the faint cry of a woman losing her ability to breathe.

Dislikes - when the police hear it as well.

Ambitions - To find missing socks the world over.

Victims - Dead.

Why Did You Join The Team? It was financially beneficial.

Why Have You Not Left The Team? It has not yet failed to be financially beneficial.

Did Mother Not Give You Enough Attention? Not after she had the sex change reversal.

Favourite Continent - 'In-'

Favourite Character Trait - Narcissism

Number of lawyers - Three - Seager, Goode & West, though Adam West is missing presumed washed up.

Favourite Eye Physician - W. H. Bates, father of the Bates Method - not the mother-obssessed serial killer (he isn't an eye physician, he's a blood transfusionist)

Favourite Charity Shop - A misconception. Just because I and Mr Stephen Male occasionaly happen to wear the same clothes does not mean I shop in charity shops - I get them while they're new, you see.

The Stephen Male Assessment System Rating - "Please! No! Leave me alone! Not the pins! Anything but the pins! Arhhghdhghghg....."